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presents with the help of your cat
by Mark St Jefferson, Bow, London, UK
- Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
- Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present
is contained, and close door.
- Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.
- Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
- Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
- Go to draw, and collect transparent sticky tape,
ribbons, scissors labels etc.
- Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table,
to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
- Go back to draw to get string, remove cat that has
been in the draw since last visit and collect string.
- Reopen draw and re-remove cat.
- Remove present from bag.
- Remove cat from bag.
- Open box to check present, remove cat from box,
- Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
- Try and smooth out paper, realise cat is underneath
and remove cat.
- Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting
- Throw away first sheet as cat tried to chase the
scissors, and tore paper.
- Cut second sheet of paper to size. By putting cat
in the bag the present came out of.
- Place present on cut to size paper.
- Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder
why edges now don't reach, and realise cat is between
present and paper. Remove cat and retry.
- Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting
transparent sticky tape.
- Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove
transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
- Seal paper down, with transparent sticky tape, making
corners as neat as possible.
- Look for roll of ribbon, chase cat down hall, in
order to retrieve ribbon.
- Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two directional
- Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn,
due to cat's enthusiasm to chase ribbon end.
- Repeat steps 13-20 until down to last sheet of paper.
- Decide to skip steps 13-17, in order to save time
and reduce risk of loosing last sheet of paper. By retrieving
old cardboard box, that you know is right size for sheet
- Put present in box, and tie down with string.
- Remove string, open box and remove cat.
- Put all packing materials in bag with present and
head for lockable room.
- Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay
out packing materials.
- Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside
door, close door and re-lock.
- Repeat previous step as often as is necessary. Until
you can hear the cries from the cat outside the door.
- Lay out last sheet of paper. (I know this is difficult
in the small area of the toilet. But try your best)
- Realise cat has already got to the paper. Unlock
door go out and hunt through various cupboards, looking
for sheet of last years paper, until you remember that
you haven't got any left, due to cats help with wrapping
- Retire back to room lock door, and sit on toilet
whist trying to work out how to make torn sheet of paper
look halfway presentable.
- Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very
carefully seal down tears with transparent sticky tape.
Now tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide
worst effected areas.
- Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork,
congratulating yourself on making good of a bad job.
- Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and
- Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming
to obvious conclusion.
- Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
- Retrieve all thrown away sheets of wrapping paper,
feed cat and retire back to room for last attempt, making
certain you are alone and the door is locked.
- Find least torn and wrinkled sheets of paper, along
with the ones that the pattern matches closest.
- Vainly try and wrap present in patchwork of paper.
Tie with the now tattered ribbon and decorate with the
now limp bows. Label and put present in bag, for fear
of anyone seeing this disaster.
- At time of handing over present smile sweetly at
receivers face, as they try and hide their contempt
at being handed such a badly wrapped present.
- Swear to yourself that next year, you will get the
store to wrap the damn thing for you.